Against All Odds
by gaia-x-goddess
Summary: Nick/Stephen. As Stephen and Nick start to reveal their feelings for each other and their romance gathers heat, Helen hears about it and isn't happy...her resulting plan will test all the teams limits and feelings for each other. Slash. Obviously.
1. Chapter 1

**I decided to do a primeval story for once! Slash of course, the story came to me and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I can't promise quick updates but this is just the prologue: proper chapters wil be much longer! It's the story of Stephen and Nick's romance combined with Helen's anger at said romance...I think! Please review and I'll update as soon as I can! Thank you, gaia-x-goddess**

Stephen sat slumped against a desk, picking gloomily at a loose piece of wood. Cutter's face kept creeping into his head…how angry he'd be if he knew about Helen…

Suddenly, talk of the devil, the door opened and Nick Cutter walked in. He looked concerned.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked his friend.

'Okay? No, of course I'm not but I can't tell you that…'

"Stephen, talk to me."

"I'm fine. Yes. Fine." Stephen attempted a smile. Nick didn't look convinced.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Stephen, will you please tell me what's wrong?" Nick came over, pulled up a chair and looked expectantly at his friend.

"No, I can't."

"Is this about Helen?" Nick asked. He saw Stephen stiffen, surprised. "I know you cheated with her, okay, I know and I know you're sorry."

Stephen looked at his friend, his eyes almost overflowing. "All this time?"

"All this time."

"But-I'm sorry Cutter but I can't talk to you right now." Stephen gabbled before running off.

"Well, that was abrupt." Nick murmured before running off after his friend.

"Stephen, please talk to me." Nick whispered. Stephen was huddled in a corner, crying. This was very unlike him…

"Go away Nick."

"Stephen, please. Tell me what's wrong. Is it Alison?"

"No! She's fine, I expect. We're not together anymore, I don't care, don't worry-"

"Then what is it?"

Stephen sighed heavily. "I can't tell you."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, fine." Stephen snapped.

"No, I mean-you're not ill are you?"

"No, look…just go."

"Stephen, I want to know what's wrong!"

"No!" Stephen shouted, angry now.

"Stephen, stop being stubborn and tell me!" Nick roared, then wished he hadn't.

Stephen stood up, suddenly furious as well.

"Fine, I'll tell you." He grabbed his friend and kissed him fiercely, his mouth searching Cutter's. Abruptly he released Cutter and turned away. Running down the corridor he called back at Cutter, "That's what's wrong!"

Nick stayed against the wall, tears pricking at his eyes. Everything he knew about his friend had just been turned upside down…he felt pity for Stephen and confusion, too, that kissing his best friend had not felt as wrong as it should have done…

**Like I said, just a short prologue. Please review! X**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, hope this one's okay. I had this written before so next updates might not be so quick...this is set after series one but without the whole Claudia disapearing/Alternative timeline thingy...please review!**

"Connor?" Abby called. "Yeah-come over here for a minute?"

"Yeah Abby?" The slightly hyperactive student walked over to his friend, grinning.

"Do they…seem a little different to you? A bit…" Abby frowned as she tilted her head at Stephen and Nick who were in a meeting with Lester. "A little odd?"

Connor shrugged. "I'm not spying on them…" he teased. "Stephen said he had a headache I think. Now-come on and see how the anomaly detectors doing!"

"Fine…" groaned Abby as she followed her eager friend down the corridors.

* * *

"So that's our weekly update on the anomolies…" Lester concluded. "And next week we shall be discussing the ARC, building of etc. Good grief. Who thought of that name? It's not supposed to be a pun is it? Ark, animals, that sort of thing? Well, that's what you all have to look forward to!" he smiled at them sarcastically, daring them to say anything. Nick refused to look at him, to acknowledge the threat. He turned his head away from Stephen's gaze too, which was confused and worried…and locked eyes with Claudia.

"Um, excuse me Professor, if I could have a word?" she asked.

"Yes, of course." He nodded and they withdrew into an empty room.

"Cutter…Nick. How are you?" she asked as he looked round the empty room, avoiding her gaze.

"Fine," he said abruptly. "What do you want?"

"I'mgoingoutwithCaptainRyan." She said hurriedly.

"Right," he nodded. "And you're telling me this because?" he tried to smile, even though this was just confusing him even more.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, compassion evident in her voice.

"It's fine," he shrugged. There was a pause.

"Stephen seems quiet today…" Claudia murmured, looking for something to fill the gap between them.

"I think he felt ill. I'll talk to him…I should go."

"Of course," Claudia smiled politely and moved slightly to let Nick pass by her.

"Stephen!" Nick called. Stephen looked up in the busy room, met Nick's eye and nodded slowly.

* * *

They met outside, Nick standing there embarrassed, Stephen also lost for words.

"Are you all right?" Nick eventually asked.

"Why should you care?" Stephen's words were controlled but his voice shook, revealing his inner turmoil.

"Why not?"

"Because you should hate me!" Stephen started shouting, his hands waving wildly. I kissed you! I fancy you! You shouldn't care how I am…you should hate me." He stopped suddenly and slumped to the ground, shaking.

"Hey, come on," Cutter soothed him nervously. "I don't hate you, Stephen. You're my best friend after all…"

"But I'm…"

"What?"

"Well…bisexual…" Stephen sobbed helplessly.

"Hey, hey…" Cutter whispered again. "Calm down, come on. What world do you live in? I don't care what sexuality you are and most of this world doesn't…now, please come in. Actually, no, scratch that, you're going home-don't complain Stephen, you're tired. Come on, I'll drive…"

"I couldn't sleep." Stephen said suddenly. His head was lolling against the car door where he'd been leaning silently for the last ten minutes.

"Yeah," Cutter said, though as a 'me too' or just a nod to keep him talking Stephen couldn't tell.

"I mean…I couldn't believe I'd…"

"Yeah."

The silence seemed to stretch between them, just the car engine making a sound. Stephen glanced at his friend and took a deep breath. "I'll be searching for a new job, of course. I expect I'll have to sign some more official documents, don't expect Lester will be happy but-"

"Of course why?"

"Pardon?"

"Why are you searching for a new job?

"Well-because of-"

"I told you, I don't care if you're-" Nick started impatiently.

"No but I do! I…fancy you Cutter, I can't work with you!"

"How long have you known that you fancied me?" Nick said delicately, after a pause.

"Two months, more or less…and its been hell." Stephen said distantly. Was he having this conversation? With Cutter?

"I'm sorry," Nick said. Stephen looked at him, surprised.

"Don't be sorry. It's not your fault."

"I should have seen you weren't happy, though. I was so focused over Helen, I-"

"It's not your fault." Stephen repeated. "Look, Cutter, I don't want to leave my job. I love it, I love all of this…creatures from the past, everyone we've met…I don't want to leave."

"Then don't."

"I've told you, I can't work with you." Stephen looked down at his jeans, unable to look at Nick anymore.

"You don't have to. I'll leave."

"What?" Stephen looked at Nick in horror. "That's the stupidest plan I've heard! I appreciate the gesture but we need you!"

"Well, we'll just both have to stay then." Nick said, stopping the car outside Stephen's house. "We'll think of something to make it better for you, okay?" he smiled at his friend. Stephen smiled back, the longing still just visible in his eyes. Nick wondered is he looked the same…then wondered why he'd thought that.

"Bye then." H said, making no moves to get going. Stephen looked just as awkward.

"Well, if we're going to work this out…" he said hesitantly. "No time like the present. Cup of tea?"

"I'd love to," smiled a relieved Nick. He locked the car and set off, up the garden path towards Stephen's house.

**Not sure what will happen yet...please review anyway, thank you. gaia-x-goddess**


	3. Chapter 3

**Again, just a short chapter but I decided I may as well publish it. Pleas ereview. Thank you.**

"So…" Nick started slowly, after deciding that Stephen wasn't going to say anything. "Let's work this out."

"Right." Stephen nodded.

Another silence stretched between them and Nick sighed inwardly. He was beginning to wonder if this was a good idea after all. His lips tingled with the memory of that kiss…

"Either I quit or we both stay…" Stephen said suddenly. "I can't let you leave but I can't work with you, therefore I leave."

"No!" Nick protested. "Stephen, we need you. I don't want to work without you around, either." He added, slightly quieter.

"I've told you that I can't work with you, and I mean it." Stephen said. "I'll miss it too…all the good times…"

"Then don't go!" Cutter said urgently.

"I've given you my reasons," Stephen said patiently.

"But Stephen-"

"What?" Stephen snapped. "I've told you I can't work with you and I would appreciate it if you would just leave me alone before I do something stupid-again."

"Like?"

Stephen looked like he thought Nick was being deliberately obtuse. "Umm-like kiss you? Again?" he sighed before Nick could react. "I'm sorry. It's not your fault that I…y'know…but you know how it is, when you want someone…" his eyes were downcast and he was mumbling now. "Well, it's so hard…"

"I know," Cutter said softly. "I understand how hard it is…" he gulped. "We'll just have to find you someone."

"I appreciate it…" Stephen said wryly, "but I'd still fancy you…"he locked eyes with Nick, just for a minute.

"I…" Nick looked away quickly. "I don't want you to leave, I enjoy having you on the team. Um…excuse me, can I use your loo?"

Once there Nick splashed his face briefly, shivering at the cold water. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the mirror. "Get a grip," he muttered to himself.

"Nick? Tea or coffee?" Stephen called. Nick was about to ask for tea when he shook his head purposefully.

"Anything stronger?" he asked. He could almost hear Stephen hesitating.

"Probably not a good idea," came the reply, forcefully cheerful.

"Yeah, you're right. Tea then." Nick shouted back and dried his face.

"Sure." Nick heard Stephen go through into the kitchen. He went out of the door after flushing the toilet deliberately, and 'washing his hands.' Sitting down, he waited for Stephen to come back through.

When Stephen walked through the door carefully balancing two cups on a tray Nick leapt up to help him. As he picked up his cup, he felt his hand brush Stephen's, just for a minute…startled, Stephen pulled away and the cups fell onto the ground.

"Fuck…" Stephen swore as he bent down. Nick started to help him gather up all the pieces, trying not to cut himself. Again their hands brushed as Stephen reached to pick up a piece at the same time as Nick. However this time, no-one pulled away.

Deciding that this was probably really not a good idea Stephen spoke urgently. "Nick…"

"What?"

"Please don't…" Stephen asked. "I don't know what I'm going to do in a moment…you should go this was a stupid idea…" he talked quickly, trying not to blush.

"No…" Nick muttered, not quite sure what he was doing, how he was feeling or anything. Then they were kissing again and he tried to tell how that felt, kissing Stephen. But he couldn't tell…and then they were just watching each other blankly. Unsure what would happen now, what they were feeling, why they were still here…

**Hope it was okay, gaia-x-goddess**


	4. Chapter 4

**I've got a lot more of this story on paper, but I haven't typed it up yet. I like this chapter a lot but I'd like your feedback :) So, please review! X**

"I…" Stephen trailed off. "Lester said that he wanted to see you…ahh…"

"Right." Nick said, getting up. He was suddenly conscious of the fact that the top Stephen was wearing was tight…trying not to blush, he looked down.

"So…" Stephen started as they headed off towards Lester's office.

"Yep."

"Why did you do that?" Stephen asked calmly. "Were you just being mean?"

"No, I-what?"

"You kissed me… why? Were you just purposefully taunting me? Do you hate me that much?"

"No. I…I don't know…I don't hate you…I just…"

"You kissed me and, oh god, you didn't think that it would hurt me?" Stephen asked, still not looking at Nick and speaking in a cool, controlled manner.

"I'm sorry…"

"So, why?"

"I…"

"And don't give me any crap about fancying me when we both know that you're straight…"

"Do we?"

The question took Stephen by surprise. "Sorry, what?"

"Do we both know that I'm straight? You might think you do…" Nick shrugged. "I just don't know."

Mouth open, Stephen shook his head slowly. "Uh…no, that's too weird for me…"

"I've been thinking about this a lot since last night…" Nick continued. "And I want…"

"Yes?" Stephen prompted warily.

"I just…want you to consider…oh, I don't know. I just don't know, I don't know who I am, Stephen, I was so sure, then you kissed me but was it before then? I can't figure it out…"

"Wait." Stephen said softly. "Let me get this straight. Bearing in mind that I fancy you…" he moved closer to Nick and looked at him straight in the eye. "Is this making you uncomfortable?"

"No…"

"This?" Stephen asked as he put his hand over Nicks. Nick shook his head and Stephen slowly ran his hand up Nick's arm, still looking at him, until it was on the other mans neck. "This?"

"No…" Nick managed to gasp, very aware that he was breathing hard.

Stephen drew closer to Nick, his hand still on the other mans neck until his other arm was around his waist. His head was right up against Nick's as he breathed, "Is this too weird for you?"

"No…"

"Is this…good?" Stephen mumbled as he allowed himself to kiss Nick. The other man responded eagerly until they both drew apart wistfully.

"Lester."

"Right." Nick nodded. "Stephen…"

"Nick." Stephen said, trying not to smile jubilantly.

"We'll…discuss this later…act normally, okay?"

"Right." Stephen said, wondering just what was going to happen next. Would they be…together? Is that what Nick wanted?

He looked for reassurance to the other man and was rewarded with a smile and a gentle squeeze of the arm. They carried on walking silently, perhaps just that little bit closer…

* * *

After a unrestful afternoon Stephen waited by Nick's car outside. Abby smiled at him curiously. "You feeling better then?"

"Pardon?"

"You were a bit off colour yesterday…" Abby said pleasantly. "Nick drove you home, didn't he? Where is he now, then?"

"Just coming…we're, uh, heading out to meet some…mutual friends." Stephen lied. Abby looked unconvinced.

"Oh, okay, that's nice. Here he comes now look, I'll just say hello then I'll be off…" she drew closer to Nick. "Connor's organised a 'special surprise' and I'm guessing that he actually is going to blow the flat up this time."

Stephen laughed and looked over to where Abby had gestured too. "Oh, hi Nick."

"Hi Stephen, thanks for helping me again."

"What?" asked Abby quickly. Stephen shook his head furiously behind her back but Nick didn't notice.

"Oh, Stephen's just coming over to help me move some furniture…" Nick trailed off as he saw the other's faces.

"And there I was thinking that you two were meeting some mutual friends for a drink." Abby said lightly, eyes fixed on the two men. " So, what's really going on? If it's something to do with the anomalies, I really think you could have told me and Connor…we are still part of the team you know…"

"It's nothing." Nick said. "Really, nothing." Abby was standing with her arms crossed, frowning which neither Nick or Stephen thought was good.

"Why lie, then?" she challenged as the two men exchanged desperate looks.

"Abby, please drop it…" Stephen asked.

"It's personal." Nick said, hoping Abby got the wrong idea…

"Personal…as in…" Abby asked, still staring at them.

"As in, private." Stephen said rudely.

"So, you lie about why you're taking the same car? Did you lie about being ill yesterday?"

"No…I really didn't feel great…"

"So bad you couldn't drive? And Cutter, you never came back to work? Did you…did you…stay with Stephen?"

"No, I just went back home straight away."

"Well, after a cup of tea…" Stephen added. "Just being truthful."

"Okay." Abby nodded. "So, come on guys…why lie about sharing a ride?"

"Because…Stephen?"

Abby rolled her eyes as she looked from Nick to Stephen. "Fine, you've got five minutes."

**What will happen next? It's probably pretty obvious but hey...x**

**gaia-x-goddess**


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm really sorry because I haven't updated this in along time and now I have, I've only really done half a chapter...but next time, it's everyone's reactions plus a little bit of Helen and I just had to stop it there. I've been really busy but I am sorry...also, this story is going up to an M. Just in case ;) gaia-x-goddess**

"Well?" Stephen said wryly.

"Well…what are we going to do?" Stephen blinked. "Do…you want…"

"To be with you?" Nick interrupted. "It would be such a big step but…"

"But?" Stephen prompted.

"But I want to be happy. And you make me happy…today, last night, now…"

"Then yes?" Stephen asked hesitantly.

"Yes…" Nick agreed. "But what about the others?"

Stephen took Nick's hand and squeezed it gently. "They'll be fine." he said, slowly. Hesitantly Nick placed his arm around the other's waist. It felt good to be holding him again and right to lean forward and kiss Stephen.

"Are you sure about this?" Stephen asked gravely. "I don't want you to do something you don't want to…"

"I do want this," Cutter replied and realised that he meant it.

"Good," Stephen smiled, resting his head on Nick's shoulder. Nick held Stephen tightly, both men breathing in unison and closing their eyes feeling safe.

It seemed to stretch on forever, just the two of them, sitting there. Yet somehow at the same time it seemed to flash and just last a second. In truth it could only have been about a minute before they heard Abby's footsteps and looked at each other uncertainly.

"Well, you better have sorted out your stories-" Abby began before trailing off as she saw Nick and Stephen. They watched her uncertainly, Stephen hoping that her previous feelings towards him were gone. Slowly, she smiled, and when she spoke it was happy and light. "Really, just how stupid did you think I was?"

"Well-"

"No," she interrupted, holding up a hand, "never mind. It's great. Really."

"Well…" said Nick slowly, "thank you."

"So, hey, can I tell Connor? 'Coz, he's gonna be so pleased for you-"

"Well…" Stephen said, shifting, "we still need to discuss it and-"

"No problem," she said, still smiling at the two of them. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow then." They waved as she walked off. Stephen looked at Nick, finding it hard to believe that this was happening.

"Are we going to be together…?" he asked, trying to make sense of this situation.

"No turning back now…" Nick said softly. Stephen smiled, but Nick felt him tense. "Hey, what's the matter?"

"You know I've fancied you…this is just…like, what I wanted. This is what I dreamed…" he said, quietly. Nick didn't even hesitate before drawing close to Stephen and kissing him. Stephen kissed him back, savouring the feeling. It wasn't long before their tongues flicked over each other and Stephen's hands were pulling Nick closer to him…

Pulling away, Nick managed to gasp, "We're on a car!"

Stephen chuckled wryly, "oh, I hadn't forgotten, you don't know what was sticking into my-"

"Besides," Nick continued, "I don't want someone seeing us and thinking we're just having sex…"

"You don't?"

"No, because we're not just having sex. We're going to be more…" Nick said confidently, almost to himself rather then Stephen. Stephen bent close and rested his head on Nick's shoulder. Nick pressed a kiss to his forehead gently.

"Do you want to come back and watch a film?" Stephen asked. "I'll cook…"

"It sounds great." Nick said honestly. "Come on, I'll drive."


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry, sorry, sorry, for my apalling lack of updates! Here it is...well, I hope it's worth it! xx**

As planned, Nick dropped by the next morning to pick Stephen up. He smiled fondly at the other man, who immediately hugged him gently, playing with his hair and hoping that today would go as well as it could do.

"Ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be, I guess."

"Right then. Let's go."

They grinned at each other and headed outside, some people smiling at them, or just nodding. Cutter was fascinated at how oblivious they seemed to his happiness, at being here with this man…

The journey seemed all too short. Trying to keep in mind Abby's reaction and not to worry, Cutter found suddenly that he was holding Stephen's hand.

Stephen had noticed his obvious anxiety and smiled, leaning in to kiss him again. "It'll be fine," he said.

"Right." Nick answered, smiling back at Stephen.

They walked in calmly, Nick in front of Stephen (which Stephen found pleasantly distracting.) They headed in to the main room, ready to receive their 'briefing' and to greet the others.

"Hey guys." Stephen said, nerves just beginning to kick n. He noticed Abby, smiling at their discomfort. Nick took a deep breath, glanced round and nodded decisively. He leaned into Stephen and wrapped his arm round the others waist. As everyone was talking amongst themselves only Abby saw at first. Connor was watching her and gradually followed her gaze…when he saw what she was looking at, his eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"First time I've seen him speechless…" Stephen noted nervously in Nick's ear.

"So…you two?" Connor finally managed to ask.

"Yep," Stephen said breezily. "That cool?"

Connor grinned. "Of course, yeah! Great!" he enthused. Silence fell as everyone noticed just what was going on.

"Right…" said Claudia, rather coldly. Stephen looked questioningly at Nick, who shrugged. Suddenly he felt quite uncomfortable.

"Dear me, did I miss that memo?" Lester asked sarkily.

"What…what memo? Sir?"

"The one that said whenever something remotely different comes up in this ever so boring world of creatures from the bloody past, everyone can gawp at it?" Lester continued. "Not that I would class Professor Cutter as interesting." He added, almost to himself. "Or even human…"

"Hey-!" Stephen had objected, before he stopped himself. Connor laughed and suddenly the tension was broken.

"Okay," Cutter decided. "I should get to work…see you later?" he asked, looking at Stephen who nodded, wondering how strange today was going to be.

"I'll hold you to that…" he winked cheekily. Cutter released him reluctantly and was about to head off when he was blocked by Claudia.

"Nick, can I?" she gestured. "A word?"

"Of course," he said, relieved and relaxed by the others reactions.

"Nick…I know you were upset by me and Ryan…" she said. "But Stephen? Please." She laughed. "I mean, what's that all about?"

"It's about me and Stephen and what it's not about is you at all." Cutter replied slowly and tensely.

"Like I believe that…" she smirked.

"I do, and to be honest, I don't give a damn about what you think at all." Nick said deliberately. "Anything else?"

"No. Thank you. That was all," she said frostily, sweeping out of the room. Nick let out a deep breath and collapsed onto a hard chair. Someone knocked at the door and Connor came in.

"So, hey, congrats mate!" His smile faltered as he saw Nick's face. "Hey…Cutter?"

"I…" Nick struggled for the words. "Claudia." He said finally.

"I'm sorry." Connor said honestly. "She'll come round. Everyone else has…everyone else is happy for you guys." He patted Cutter rather clumsily on the shoulder. "You okay?"

"I can't believe this is all happening. I mean, it's great but the last few days…they've just been…"

Connor nodded understandingly. "Yeah, I can imagine." He said, heading for the door. "Shall I get Stephen?"

"Please." Nick nodded. Connor smiled and withdrew. It seemed to take forever for Stephen to come but, when he did, he walked right up to Nick and embraced him gently.

"This is harder then I thought." Nick said softly. Stephen held him tightly.

"She'll come round. Everyone else is fine with it…"

"Yeah." Nick sighed. Stephen ran his hand up Nick's back; tilting the other mans head towards him and kissing him comfortingly, lovingly.

The door opened- "Oh, please," said Lester-the door closed. Finally, the two men pulled apart.

"See you later."

The next week went by like a dream. Everyone seemed more relaxed, Cutter and Stephen's happiness seemingly affecting the whole team. Even Lester seemed looser, in his odd, Lesterish way.

Only Claudia Brown remained distant. She never said anything wrong, never did anything wrong, even laughing and joking with the others, especially when Ryan was around. However she managed to show her dislike of the Cutter/Stephen situation anyway. So when she came running up to them, a look of panic on her face, Cutter and Stephen were surprised to see she wasn't even scowling at them. She just looked worried.

"It's Helen…" she said.


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry that it's late and sorry that it's short... Now Nick's dead (For now(sob)) this story is a bit obsolete... shall I continue it or not? Review, please! x**

Stephen was worried. As he followed Nick – who was positively marching down the corridors – he couldn't help but notice how… grim Nick looked. It was only when Cutter hesitated outside the room which held Helen that Stephen saw his chance. He grabbed Nick's arm and spun him round gently.

"Nick-"

"Oh god, Stephen." Nick said, looking pale. "What's she doing here… why now…?"

"Please calm down." Stephen said calmingly. "Please." He looked pleadingly at Nick who smiled reluctantly but then pulled away.

"I can't. I'm going to tell her-"

"Tell her what?" Stephen snapped.

"Tell her that I'm happy without her, for the first time in years!" Nick snapped back. Stephen smiled despite himself.

"I'm sorry Nick," he said softly, releasing Nick's arm. "She's your wife…" he pulled a disgusted face. "I'll leave you two-"

"No." Nick said immediately. "I want you to come in."

They walked in together. Lester was already there, looking almost… emotional. Stephen stared at Helen, unaware that Nick was holding his hand until Helen raised an eyebrow.

"You want to explain this, Nick?" she asked bossily.

"Hello to you too, Helen."

"Missed me?" Helen asked flirtily, her eyes watching Nick and Stephen sharply.

"No." Nick said flatly, kissing Stephen ferociously. Stephen saw Lester raise his eyebrows behind them, and he had to admit that he felt equally surprised. He could taste Nick's fear, and his defiance. Stephen hated to break off the kiss… he should surely, Helen looked furious…

Nick drew away. Squeezing Stephen's hand gently he turned to look at Helen. She was glaring…

Lester winced. That man, tactful? Never, but even so…

"You know," Helen said, trying to conceal her surprise. "Stephen was the best student I ever had…"

"Why thank you." Stephen said, bitterly.

"He was always so… receptive… so… feeling…" Helen drew out her words slowly, eager to see the effect they had.

"Forget it," Nick said sharply. "I already know. If that's the best you can do-"

Helen hissed in a surprised breath. Stephen couldn't help smirking, which infuriated Helen.

"Stop it," she hissed. "Nick… I know you, remember? You love me. I'm your wife. Whatever this game is you're playing… I know it's me you want. Still, only me." Her words were calculated and harsh, forcing Stephen to look anxiously at Nick, wanting him to deny it.

Nick just stood there, staring at the floor. Regretting kissing Stephen already?

Stephen looked away, upset. He needed to hear Nick tell Helen to get lost… he needed him to deny still loving her. But, nothing…

_Whatever this game is…_

"Please Nick, not a game. Please say it's more…" Stephen whispered. He could feel Lester's eyes boring into his back, and suddenly he felt embarrassed. How could he have believed that this could be anything more then a game…?

Stephen dropped Nick's hand and left the room quickly, ignoring Connor's questioning looks. He didn't look back.

Inside the room, Helen grinned. Too easy… it was too easy. She smiled up at Nick. "Tell me you still love me…"

"I…"


	8. Chapter 8

**Okay, I realised I had written this already, so even though it's a tiny bit short *ahem* I decided I may as well upload it. Pleased that you think I should continue... my sentiments exactly! (: gaia-x-goddess I also apologise for the length of Connor's speech... but I guess lots of people will 'associate' with it. x**

Connor followed Stephen decisively, not turning back to look for Cutter. He found his friend staring out over the city, not moving. Connor hesitated before coming up and tapping on the back.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey." Stephen's tone was flat and lifeless. "He didn't tell Helen… he didn't answer her… he fucking kissed me and then he didn't tell her to get stuffed!" He sounded angry suddenly and Connor couldn't help noticing the way he gripped the banister.

"Stephen…"

"No! It's not… how can he do that? Was he just playing all along?"

"I knew, you know." Connor said, almost to himself. Stephen turned to stare at him, and Connor noticed how his eyes were red.

"P… pardon?"

"I knew. Ages ago, I knew. That you were in love with him…"

"How?" Stephen's question was soft and interested, despite himself.

Connor shrugged. "I notice these things… it was in the way you smiled at him. How you looked like your world was starting and ending whenever he spoke to you, because he was speaking to you, but he couldn't be what you wanted him to be. In the unsaid secrets and the way you watched him when someone else was talking. How you looked so depressed when he talked about Helen or Claudia, because every word he said was further confirmation that he'd never be yours. How sometimes, you looked as if you couldn't face life when he looked away from you…"

"All that?" Stephen said, trying to make a joke out of it.

"All that."

"Have I been stupid?"

"Running away? No… it must be hard for Cutter, I get that but-"

"No. Telling him."

"But… it went well, surely?"

"I expected him to be angry." Stephen's voice was low, almost inaudible. "I think that this is worse. Because I love him, fuck it all, Connor, what about when it breaks off? It'll leave us angry and hurt and it'll have got rid of that stupid little bit of hope that was the only thing I could cling on to, however mad it seemed!"

He looked up at Connor despairingly. "And now he's in there with her and I just don't know what to do."


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm so sorry I haven't updated recently... :( This is just a filler chapetr, sort of, setting it up for later, now I finally have a plan! gaia-x-goddess**

Cutter looked down, ignoring Helen's gaze. He knew exactly what he should say, but somehow, in here with her, the words wouldn't come.

"I…I don't know."

"You loved me when you married me, Nick," she told him, her voice full of emotion. "I've tried for eight years to get back to you… I haven't changed, Nick, I'm the same person you fell in love with…"

Lester coughed loudly. Helen turned to face him. "What?" she snapped.

"I'm going to leave you two now," he said, and there was obvious distaste in his tone. "I'd remind Professor Cutter to remember where his loyalties lie."

"She's my goddamn wife!" Cutter snapped, guilt forcing him to shout. "That is my loyalty!"

Lester raised an eyebrow. "Then I congratulate the happy couple," he said, walking out.

Nick turned back to Helen. "Come on, I'll drive you back," he said, a little more forcefully then was necessary.

* * *

Connor decided, right on the spot, that Stephen needed help. His help. Cutter was doing god-knows-what with that evil ex-wife of his, and Stephen was stuck up here.

"Stephen." His voice made the other man look up. "Come on, mate."

"He kissed me, Connor." Stephen sounded so unsure. "What the fuck am I supposed to do…?"

"Go home. Calm down. Talk to him tomorrow." Connor sounded confident and reassuring. Stephen nodded slowly.

"Fine."

On their way down, however, that plan was scuppered. They bumped into Nick and Helen, heading home. Connor was sure Helen was bad news- she was practically smirking, and Cutter seemed oblivious, almost defensive.

"Hello." Connor said coldly to him. "Where are you two going, then?"

"Home." Helen jumped in. "Me and my husband-" she stressed the word, and Stephen flinched- "are going home."

Cutter nodded behind her. "Stephen…" he said slowly. "I know you'll be upset about this…" I will too, he thought. I wish… "But she is my wife. And I do love her…" Or I did, I'm not so sure. "It's all for the best, eh?"

Stephen stared at the ground, miserably. "You know something, Cutter…" he said, his voice catching on the last word, making him gulp. "I almost preferred the time before, when I was living in hell."

He strode off, resolutely Not Looking Back. Cutter watched him go guiltily. Helen tugged at her husbands arm. "Nick!"

"Yes… sweetheart?"

"Lets go home." She smiled sweetly. Inside, she felt hatred twist her guts fiercely, especially when Nick smiled back at her.

Connor watched them go, feeling a mixture of pity for Stephen and anger at Helen. He could see Nick's uncertainty, and even he could tell that Helen Cutter was bad news.

When he went to look for Stephen, he couldn't find him.


	10. Chapter 10

**An update? :O I know... incredible. I'm in a good mood, but it may be the last for a while: it's exams soon :( However I am going to see John barrowman on Wednesday, go me :P**

Helen looked across to Nick as he drove and smiled softly. "It's good to be back… sweetheart," she said gently. "I've missed you, for eight whole years."

"Yeah," he confirmed. "I… I missed you too. What-" he coughed- "what are you going to tell people?"

"I'm not sure." Helen said, sounding as if she'd only just thought of it. "I guess- I'll tell them- that I've not got any memory of what happened. That's bound to be the official version, isn't it?"

"Mmmmm."

"Actually… I think I might go see one or two people tonight, just to catch up. I won't be too late, sweetie, and I know that we haven't seen each other for years but… I won't be long, and otherwise I just know I'll be thinking of them all night…" she looked at Nick pleadingly. He nodded, relieved that he was going to have some time to himself, to sort himself out.

"No, I understand. Sure," he agreed. Helen smiled.

"Thanks Nick…"

* * *

The lights flashed brightly, on and off, on and off, on and off… they would have been a nuisance in any other place then this small time bar, where the smoke and lighting and sound effects were all designed for people who wanted the distraction. Who came here to forget, or to escape, or to pick someone up...? Nobody expected anything of anyone here, which was something Stephen was glad for as he drank alone.

A noise made him look up. A man was standing there, offering a drink and a smile. Stephen shrugged, indicating he didn't care what the man did. His new companion studied him for a while, and then sat down. They drank together, not talking, each losing themselves in a haze of silence.

The man nudged Stephen's elbow. Stephen looked at him, annoyed. _What?_

The man blinked back at him, mocking him gently. _Oooh, touchy._

Stephen sighed. _Sorry._

The man smiled understandingly. _Bad day?_

Stephen nodded. _Shit._

The man looked at him thoughtfully. Stephen frowned. Eventually the man appeared to come to a decision. He beckoned with his finger. _Follow me._

Stephen looked at him, and thought about Cutter. _Sure._

The two men walked outside quietly. Once secure in a dingy alleyway, hidden from the main road Stephen wondered exactly what the man had in mind. Great, he thought glumly to himself, ticking all the boxes. Love of my fucking like leaves me for his bloody evil wife, what do I do? Go and get pissed, then shag all my troubles away with a fucking stranger? Clichéd, Stephen, so clichéd.

"Nick Hart." Stephen introduced himself, although why he'd chosen that name… you idiot, he scolded himself, why pick Nick? Out of all the bloody names…

"Hi Nick," the man said smoothly. Close up, Stephen could see he was quite hot, but he wasn't… he wasn't Cutter, was he? And that was all that mattered, at this moment. "I'm… John Brown." The man continued. Stephen nodded and smiled, as if he really believed that was true.

"Shit day, huh?" 'John' asked.

"Crap." Stephen confirmed.

"Try this." It was a pill; he was offering a pill? Stephen stared at it, and took it off the man's hand.

"What is it?"

"E," John smiled, "it'll cheer you up in no time. No ill effects trust me."

Stephen shrugged. He was about to refuse when he thought once again of Nick kissing him softly, holding him, stroking his hair… and then of Nick kissing Helen, and Helen screaming Nick and Stephen's life without Nick, with only pity and fucking _looks_ from people who he barely knew.

Tears came to eyes and he scowled. Following the man's example, he swallowed the pill.


	11. Chapter 11

_**This is really only half a chapter: I wrote it in about ten minutes at lunch today and figured I may as well post it! Sorrysorrysorry for not updating for so long! x**_

_The street stretched out ahead of him, sombre and unforgiving. The streetlamps had all flickered out and died years ago; torn posters fluttered feebly in the breeze. The houses stared at him with their blank, empty eyes and he knew that this was a dead place._

_Something was at the other end of the street, moving. It was just a shadow and for some reason it seemed suited to this place, like it belonged there. He almost turned around to leave the long-dead creature in the shadows, where nobody would ever see it._

_The houses stared at him and he knew that if anyone ever came here again, they would die._

_That was what made him turn around again, to face the creature. The creature that was no longer in the shadows, but advancing towards him at a ridiculous speed…_

…_and that was when he heard the gun and saw it slump forward. Not dead, just asleep._

_He turned around and grinned at Stephen. "Thanks."_

For some reason the scene kept playing in his head. That had been the worst night, not because of what had happened but because of that place. Out of all the times and places Nick Cutter had seen, that cold, empty street had been the worst of them all.

He'd thought at the time that it had been kind of ironic, the street. It had reflected him- once, it had been alive, now it was dead, and cold, and lonely…

That was before Stephen had saved him. On the street, in life.

He couldn't sleep. With a sigh, he got up and got dressed. He climbed into his car and drove, he wasn't sure where. When he returned it was bright, and he headed straight off to the ARC.

Stephen didn't turn up.


	12. Chapter 12

**I'm sorry I haven't updated :/ Forgive me? Here's a peace offering :D**

Connor was scowling, Abby noticed. He'd been worrying about Stephen, cursing Nick and now he was scowling.

"Connor," she said, "I'm sure he's fine." Connor looked blankly at her and she could see the tension and frustration in his eyes. She smiled, uncertainly. "Helen Cutter's evil, Con, but we can't do anything."

"We can!" he cried. "We could have helped Stephen-"

"You tried to, Connor!"

"And it wasn't good enough!" Connor got up and strode out of the door. "Seeya, Abby."

"No, Connor-" she'd never seen him get so angry. "Wait! This is what Helen wants!"

It was too late. He'd left.

Sighing, she slumped back down on the sofa. Nick and Stephen's relationship had rubbed off well on Connor; he'd been happier, more relaxed and friendlier. She had really started to enjoy seeing him like that, so much secure.

And now Nick had gone off with Helen. Of course it would be difficult for him: she understood that. His 'dead' wife, his new boyfriend. But Helen was evil, and Stephen loved Nick.

Helen had had the one advantage Stephen didn't. She knew Nick. She understood him, and how to manipulate him.

Stephen hadn't turned up to work that day. Nick had left after lunch, returning to his wife. Although Connor had pointedly avoided his company, she'd seen him, and he looked miserable.

Abby sighed, and cursed Helen Cutter.

* * *

"Fuck me," Stephen said, writhing.

"Wait your turn, Nick…" the man purred. The sound of Nick's name turned Stephen on: gasping, he pleaded.

"Fuck me, fuck me now. Please… I need the pain…"

'John' smiled silkily, and reached over to Stephen. "You want pain?"

Stephen didn't hesitate. He had no reason to feel good about himself anymore. If there was anything good, Nick wouldn't have left him for Helen without a fight.

"Yes, he breathed. "Please." The other mans smile was a promise. It brought death with it; a death that Stephen knew was inevitable. Whether it was by his hand, or John's, or someone else, it was coming. Stephen didn't care anymore.

The pain was so intense; he could almost mistake it for pleasure.

**Another update will come soon, I promise (:**


	13. Chapter 13

**I wrote another two chapters :P This is the first... I might not post the next for a while, because I'm not sure about it yet... anyway, thank you for perservering with me :) xx**

Connor's silence was proof enough that he hadn't found Stephen. He looked miserable, avoiding Abby's eyes, obviously embarrassed.

"Connor, it's past midnight." She chided gently, making him a hot chocolate. "You're frozen." Pushing the steaming cup into his hands she steered him towards the sofa. "Being in that state's not going to help Stephen, is it?"

He shook his head numbly. "You shouldn't still be up."

"I was worried."

Connor seemed to accept that. Looking down, he didn't say anything more- none of the cheeky flirtations she'd learned to expect.

"I know it's hard, Connor. Stephen's gone, Nick's feeling guilty, Helen's plotting something, and we're just stuck in the middle- No-one's happy-"

"Claudia is," Connor interrupted mildly. Abby blinked.

"Yes- well-"

"And everyone else is sure Stephen will 'turn up.' That everything will be sorted out soon. But that's crap, Abby. He was so depressed-"

"Oh, come on." Abby scowled, tired and now annoyed. "They were cute together. They made a great couple. But it wasn't like they'd been going out for very long. And Helen _was_ Nick's wife. Who did you think he was going to choose? She's evil, but he's biased.

Soon, he'll realise he made a mistake, and we just have to hope that that happens before Helen dooms us all! Stephen will move on. It'll be awkward but," she shrugged, "I'm sure they'll work it out."

Connor stared at her. "They won't work together." He said, exasperated. "Stephen's loved Nick for ages now- much longer then they've been together. Think about it, Abs- loved him. Remember what that feels like? How can you ask them to work together after that? Stephen's never been that happy, not since we've known him. And now he's gone… of course it's serious."

Thinking about it, Abby realised that he was right. She'd never seen Stephen that relaxed before. And Stephen and Nick not working together would mean disaster for all of them.

It was all Helen's fault. "Bitch," she muttered. "_Bitch_."

Connor nodded, suddenly looking more tired then ever. She hugged him softly, wanting to comfort him. A thousand memories rushed through her mind as she wondered just where Stephen Hart could possibly be.

_Nick going to distract the giant centipede, and save Stephen and Abby. "Nick!" Stephen's shout echoes on and on, in the underground tunnels, in Abby's mind. The shout of pure desperation, not wanting to lose the man he secretly loves. Then going back in, almost dying, willing to do anything to save him._

_Stephen climbing out of a car with Nick. Such a simple, trusting gesture._

_Jokes and laughs and smiles, long before they'd been together, when they were still simply friends. Did Stephen hold the looks when Nick turned away, watching him? Abby can't remember._

_Looks between the two. Unspoken conversations. Just checking to see that the others okay._

Abby turned to see Connor, snuggled up against her, beginning to snore softly. "Ah well," she whispered, figuring that she probably wouldn't sleep that well in her own bed anyway. "G'night, Con."

Closing her eyes, she hoped for Connor's sake as much as anything that Stephen was okay.


	14. Chapter 14

**I really like this chapter :P I wasn't sure about it originally (so I bullied my poor friends into reading it over) but actually, I think it's okay. Hope you enjoy this :) It cheered me up, after buying Series 2 and crying when Stephen dies :( x**

'Okay' was not the word Stephen would have used to describe himself.

It wasn't the pain. It wasn't John, or whatever his name was. It wasn't the snide voice telling him that Nick would never do this to him, not now, not ever. It wasn't the fact that he had run away, run like a coward, or the fact that people would have noticed by now. It wasn't even the fact that Nick had left him for Helen, kissed him and ended his dreams in the same five minutes.

It was just the fact that his life had come to this and he didn't even care. Getting repeatedly fucked by some random guy in this… where was it anyway? Some warehouse? Asking for the pain, wanting the pain, because it was the only thing that could make him feel good… _no wonder Nick Cutter doesn't want you, Stephen, you're worthless, what are you, you shit, that you've come to this…?_

He was tired now. He just wanted it all to end, the inevitable death to hurry up.

"What made you want this pain?" John scowled down at him, obviously savouring the moment. "What made you give in?"

Stephen looked coldly at him. "End it."

"But I'm having so much fun…" the man sniggered cruelly.

"Do it."

"What, and face murder?"

"I won't press charges."

"Funny."

"It's going to happen." Stephen was tired of this game now. He had nothing to live for. No family. No Nick, not any more.

Connor's face flashed into his mind, along with Abby's. The most accepting people, the most caring people… he'd never dreamt of friends like them.

"_Imagine…" he'd said to Nick once, not so long and a lifetime ago, "imagine knowing you're wrong. Not feeling it, but knowing it. Having one of those crushes that means whenever you see her… or him… you blush, your mind's on fire, you don't know how it's not obvious… but it's not obvious. Because that-" his voice had hardened and Nick had moved slightly nearer- "would be wrong.'_

'_And you're not wrong. Nobody knows just how… wrong… you are apart from you. And that makes every single insignificant crush you get hell, because nobody can ever know about them. No schoolyard gossip, no chance in hell that they'll ever feel the same for you. And your whole life is hell, and the only reason you carry on is the thing that hurts the most. Hope. A stupid shred of hope that you cling to, not in your conscious mind but at night. In dreams. When you can be you, without any concept of wrong-" Stephen stopped abruptly, feeling Nick's arm slide around him gently._

_He blinked away bitter tears, and looked up into the face of his chosen tormentor._

"_Forget that," he said. I haven't suffered enough yet. He still wasn't that sure why he had to suffer… but he had this feeling that it wasn't just because Nick thought Helen was better then him. Nick had chosen Helen over him; normality over unconventionality. _

Surely Nick had chosen right over _wrong_?

"Punish me," he muttered incomprehensively. "Punish me for being _wrong_."


	15. Chapter 15

**This is much draker then I meant it to be; in my defense, I've not had a great weekend and it's my characters who have suffered! :/ For all that, I quite like this chapter, so I hope you do too (: Please tell me what you think? gaia-x-goddess x**

The knowledge that he was wrong gave him power. It had always given him power; knowing something about himself that was to be hated meant that he didn't mind so much when he was. It gave him the power to withstand pain, or at least not to mind it so much as all he had to do was remember that he deserved it. He had forgotten this sense of power lately: when he had believed that Nick had cared for him. The sense that he was wrong had deserted him, along with all the notions of being withdrawn and therefore protected.

With Nick's betrayal, the sense of power came flooding back, encouraged by this sign that he was wrong after all. There was no choice though, had he been able to chose, between the power and the life he'd been living with Nick. Power, or a sense of being right, being you, for the first time in your life? He'd lost one but gained the other, but it was no compromise.

He wanted to die. His obsession with Nick had, once encouraged by the other man, grown into lust and then love. He had allowed himself to believe that this could last forever, and so of course it had to end. That was life.

He wanted to die and so he wouldn't let himself, not yet. He had to suffer first; he had to repent for his lifetime of being so wrong.

Maybe somewhere, at the back of his mind, a voice was crying out. Maybe somewhere he knew that his lifetime of being shunned and his being abandoned by Nick had driven him into madness; maybe somewhere he knew that he'd done nothing wrong, not even being who he was. Maybe somewhere deep inside he didn't want to die or be punished, because he didn't deserve it.

Maybe. Even if there was, it didn't matter anymore. He didn't care anymore, except, maybe, deep inside.

It was with all his power, all his self-loathing and all his spurned love for Nick that kept him from descending into death. It was his hatred of himself that saved him when he was closer to death then he'd ever been before. And so he remained there, unwilling to let himself die but not being able to do anything other then hang on to the life he hated. That was suitable enough torture in itself; he had nothing to do but cling onto life and think of what he had once believed could be.

Then the door opened.

* * *

Helen Cutter had disappeared. Nick had realised he didn't care that much… Helen presumably had some plan. _She was using me after all._ The knowledge that she hadn't loved him had given him the release he needed to be able to acknowledge that, in choosing her over Stephen, he had made a mistake. Work was too painful at the moment, which meant that his days were mostly preoccupied with searching for his lover. Connor had accepted his apology grudgingly, nodding through Nick's heartbreakingly honest speech on his mistake.

"_Do you miss him?"_

"_More then anything. Whatever he's done… I can't forgive myself."_

"_Why not?"_

"_He was beginning to accept himself… whatever I've done to him, it can't be good and I hate myself for that." Connor had hugged him, and in that simple embrace Cutter had known that they would find Stephen, or die trying._

Abby was pretty much running the newly built ARC's day-to-day activities. Claudia did her job but kept her head down, not coming out to anomaly sites anymore, as they were the only time Cutter and Connor did their jobs.

"_Lester, I'm looking for Stephen. I'll do the anomolies but all the paperwork, everything here, all my research, I'm suspending. Argue and I quit altogether." Lester had nodded thoughtfully._

"_If that's the way it is then I suppose I can lend you my resources. You have 20 men at your disposal, Professor. Good luck in your search."_

_A rare smile lit up Cutter's face. "Thank you."_

_Lester dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "I'm only doing it in the best interests of our operation, you understand."_

"_Of course."_

Even with the help of Lester's men, the search had so far proved fruitless. Nick was growing more and more agitated, convinced that Stephen was in serious danger. A sense of doom was hanging over them all, and Connor's relationship with Abby had all but disintegrated.

"_You miss Stephen. We all do. We all loved him, Connor, but it wasn't your fault! And don't you… don't you miss me too?"_

"_I haven't lost you, Abby."_

_Abby turned away, tears streaking her face. "Yes you have," she murmured._

Now the problem of what Helen had planned was hanging over the team, if it could still be called that. Claudia was calling for information but Nick knew nothing; who she'd met, what she might have taken, or why she'd needed to come back to him at all.

"_She always was private. I didn't ask."_

"_She must have said something!"_

"_Friends, she'd said. I trusted her."_

"_Well, that was a mistake wasn't it?" Claudia snapped._

"_It was all a mistake." Nick glared at her coldly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to look for my missing boyfriend." He emphasised the word, and Claudia flinched slightly._

"_Don't you miss me, Nick?"_

"_The Claudia I miss was the one who didn't think I was wrong." He'd replied, and left Claudia looking rather unnerved._

Even Lester was interacting less with the team, something they wouldn't have thought possible. The days when he had hung around with the team, even smiling and laughing occasionally, had disappeared as they'd appeared in the first place; with Stephen.

Everything hung on Cutter and Connor finding him.

Then, one day, they opened a door.


	16. Chapter 16

**Thank you to everyone who's reviewed &etc :) This chapter's slightly less dark... although the next chapter's most likely going to be SEVERE! angst. Just a warning ;) xx**

The doctor hadn't been sure how the young man had survived. He had been raped, drugged, and left for dead. He was literally on the edge of life- comatose- and… well… he should have been dead. Miracles happened, but this one beat the odds. They'd done what they could; hooking him up to a feed and making sure he wasn't internally hurt. When they could, they'd helped him. Now he was just lying there, the older man sitting next to him holding his hand. That had interested the doctor, for a while. The older man had looked angry- well, you got that a lot. People blaming themselves.

It was one of the most interesting cases he'd seen yet. It was a pity it all had to be kept a secret. Government orders… the doctor frowned. What had this man been doing, and why was it a secret?

Looking over, he saw the older man yawn. He'd been there all night and yesterday… he must have been exhausted.

"Sir," he said gently, going over. "Go home. If there's any change, we'll call you. You need to go and sleep. He's in the best possible place right now."

Nick Cutter nodded and made his way back to the patient.

"Stephen…" he said quietly. Then he sighed. "Oh, Stephen." Grimacing a smile at the doctor, he wandered out of the door. The doctor watched him go, knowing that he probably wouldn't get much sleep tonight either.

He looked down at the patient and smiled sadly. His wife had left him recently, which was how he'd ended up on the night shifts. "At least you've got somebody who loves you," he murmured, thinking of his empty, cold, forbidding hotel room.

Deep inside himself, Stephen shuddered.

* * *

Nick stared at the TV screen and tried not to drift off to sleep, knowing the scene that would come into his head if he did.

_Stephen, lying there. Unconscious… or dead? The place is foul, and he's thing, oh god, so thin. He doesn't react when Nick calls his name, or to the sound of Connor dialling 999, dialling Jenny, dialling Abby…Nick doesn't make a sound. He just stares at the man he might love and prays that it's not too late._

Suddenly the phone rang. His heart jumped._ The Hospital?_

"Nick Cutter?"

"Speaking," he answered automatically. His pulse was racing so hard… Stephen…

"We have some news…" the voice said. Was it just his imagination or did it sound sad? It was so hard to tell…

"Stephen." He said wildly. The name meant a thousand questions: is he awake? Is he dying? Is he able to talk? Is he okay?

"Mr Cutter? Can you get to the hospital so we can talk there?"

* * *

Connor glanced across at Abby, his eyes wide. Abby sighed. He'd been so het up about Stephen that finding him had become an obsession. Now that he was found, Connor had been panicking about his condition. Only Nick had been allowed to stay with him, for which Abby had been grateful. She didn't think she'd be able to stand seeing him if he looked as bad as Connor sad.

There was also the news that he'd been raped, he'd been drugged. He should have been killed. She wanted to believe that he'd been unwilling in all of this… but she kept remembering the fact that Nick had left him. That he'd run off from Connor and that he'd been miserable…

Some part of her, however small, couldn't help thinking that Stephen Hart might just have wanted to get lost.

The same part couldn't help wondering how lost he had been. What he'd been through… it was enough to make anyone give up. But Nick was there for him now, his loyalty to Helen finally broken. Stephen wouldn't give up on Nick. He couldn't hate Nick that much, could he?

She didn't consider the idea that maybe Stephen hated himself more then Nick.

Then her mobile rang. It was Cutter, sounding more lost and worried then she'd ever heard him.

"Nick, you sound dreadful."

"The hospital rang," he said tiredly, "I'm going there now. They won't tell me anything, Abby." Her stomach plummeted.

"Don't tell Connor," he continued. "I don't want him worrying. Speak to you later, Abby." With that, the phone clicked off.

Connor stared at her. "Is he okay?" Abby nodded slowly.

"Fine."

She crossed the room and put her arms around Connor. Drawing in strength, because she needed it more then anything, now.

Surprised, he hugged her back, and again she thought that maybe something good could come of this after all.


	17. Chapter 17

**I really hope that this chapter makes sense xD. I have this horrible feeling that it's going to get very dark before it gets better... but on the other side, this is now my longest single story chapter wise :P Enjoy x**

Nick had driven to the hospital as quickly as his car would allow, paying no regard to the law. Images of Stephen flashed through his mind as he fought for control of his breath. Whatever happened, he had to stay in control. It was his best friend and boyfriend lying in there. He had to stay strong for Stephen.

Entering the hospital, he made his way to Stephen's room. The path he had to take was worn into his brain; he knew every corridor. This time, as before, he didn't take his time. The walk seemed maddeningly slow… he had to stop himself from running down the corridors in order to get to Stephen.

Finally reaching the room, he was met by the doctor, who led him gently in the other direction. Nick wanted to protest- he wanted to see Stephen now! The doctor, used to dealing with these kinds of situations, resisted firmly.

"Mr Cutter, please sit down."

"Stephen?" Cutter asked, the word the only one springing to his lips. His usual articulate self had vanished in his panic.

The doctor hesitated. "We've been met with a problem…" he said delicately. "Mr Hart… all the machines say he's woken up. And that's great news. But he's not responding… he's just lying there. Visibly, there's no change. But we know he's woken up."

Cutter moistened his dry lips, suddenly aware that he was shaking. "He's… brain dead." He stated flatly, feeling the world begin to collapse around him.

The doctor hesitated. "No… at least… we don't think so." Taking a deep breath, he carried on. "We think he's choosing not to respond. Maybe he's so traumatised that he just… doesn't want to get up again…? We thought that, since you two are…"

Go on, Cutter thought wildly, his brain choosing to follow this train of thought rather than the devastating idea of Stephen giving up, what will it be? 'Friends?' 'Close?'

"Lovers." The doctor said, surprising Cutter. "Can you go and… talk to him? We don't know what to do otherwise."

Cutter smiled weakly at him, feeling genuine warmth for the man who'd done everything for Stephen, and left the room.

* * *

"Stephen? Stephen… they told me you're awake. That you can hear and think and move but you're not choosing to." Cutter closed his eyes and swallowed. "I don't know why, but they think you might need counselling. I agree. What you went through… and it was all my fault."

_No._

"If I hadn't been so stupid, choosing her over you… but Stephen, you know Helen. You know what it's like… but she's gone. Who knows what for? Who cares, eh?" as he laughed cheerlessly, he could feel tears threatening to overpower him. "If I hadn't done that, you wouldn't be here now. It's my fault…" and the older man gave up on all pretence and sobbed. "I'm sorry, Stephen! I shouldn't have... this has been hell, Stephen, but you can come back. It's over, we'll help you. I'll always be here Stephen, because you not being here has been hell. Connor's been angry as hell, Abby's been taking the shit because of my decisions, and we all need you Stephen! I need you!"

_It wasn't your fault, Nick. It was mine. It was always mine, for being wrong. I deserved it all. Don't feel sorry for me. And don't lie to make me feel better. You didn't miss me… you can't have missed me…_

"I'm sorry, Stephen." Nick finished wildly. "Being with you was the happiest feeling… leaving that for Helen was stupid… because I missed you so much Stephen." He paused and begged wildly to the motionless figure lying in front of him. "You don't hate me enough to do this to me do you? Come back Stephen… please come back."

_It's not you I hate, it's me… Stephen thought, but he could feel his resolve weakening. If I hate myself for being with you, shouldn't I hate you for being with me? I don't Nick, I don't hate you, I love you, I always have…_

"Stephen, please…" Nick pleaded desperately, a broken man.

On the other side of the chasm, Stephen began to heal. He wasn't ready to come back to the real world just yet, but for now he was content to start believing that it had been the other men who were the sick, evil, twisted ones, not him. Maybe he didn't deserve all that had happened to him… maybe he wasn't wrong…

As Nick wept on the floor, Stephen wept as his powerful belief in his own wrongness slowly died away.


	18. Chapter 18

**Well, this went differently to how I expected :O Also, it seems finished, but I still have ideas so review on what you think? (:**

Cutter waited anxiously as inside the room, what felt like his life was decided. After he'd left last night to get some coffee Stephen had talked to the doctor- and what he said had broken Nick's heart. The doctor had been tactful but the message that Stephen had given was clear- he didn't want Nick around.

"_He hates himself," the doctor said. Nick looked at him and rolled his eyes sarcastically._

"_Great. Wonderful. I'm not stupid, doctor, it's not himself he hates. It's me…" He had started cursing himself again, wondering how he could get Stephen to believe him that going off with Helen had been a mistake._

_The doctor had been kind but firm. It was the patient that had the final say whenever they could, and Stephen was deemed perfectly capable of making a rational decision. Nick had been banned from seeing him._

"Stephen…" Nick groaned, half audibly. He couldn't believe that his best friend, and more, could hate him so much. "I guess I know why." He whispered. "It's my fault."

The doctor opened the door, startling Nick. "Mr Hart… will see you now." The doctor said disdainfully. Cutter pursed his lips, realising just how much he'd liked the other doctor.

"Is my boyfriend okay?" Cutter asked lazily, watching the young man flinch angrily.

"If you'd come in, _sir_."

Trying not to show how nervous he was, Cutter entered the room.

Stephen looked at him and Cutter felt his heart skip a beat. Pale and ill, the other man looked so fragile that Nick wanted to kill the man who had done this. What really hurt was the fact that it was him.

"I'll leave you two alone," the doctor said when it became clear that they wanted privacy. As soon as he was gone, Nick sat down and smiled gently at Stephen.

"Hey," he said, the words trembling.

"Hey…" Stephen said. "I'm sorry about… that." He waved his hand vaguely; a gesture which Nick knew meant 'banning you from seeing me.'

"It's fine." Nick reassured him. "Stephen…"

"No, Nick. Me first." Stephen swallowed. "Please."

"Go ahead," Nick nodded. Closing his eyes, Stephen began.

"I was so angry at you… but it wasn't your fault. It was like a dream," he looked at Nick. "Being with you, it was surreal. And then she turned up. And she spoilt it; she always spoils it, Nick."

"I know," Nick agreed quietly.

"And I went. And… did you leave me because I was…wrong? Because you chose her over me, you told me you wouldn't, you even kissed me…" he had begun to cry. "This man came… and took me and he tied me up and he hurt me and I wanted it."

The room had grown cold. Nick looked at Stephen and saw his boyfriend sobbing unashamedly on the bed. "I wanted it so badly, Nick. I wanted the pain and the release because you'd left me and I didn't know why. I thought…"

"You thought it was you." Nick realised suddenly that he was holding Stephen, weak and fragile Stephen and that they were both crying.

"I missed you so much Stephen," Nick said softly. "We'll get you help, I promise. "It's not you Stephen, you're a perfectly good person, there's nothing wrong about you at all…"

Stephen tensed up, as if he'd been slapped. "What?" Nick asked, concerned.

"I want you to go now," Stephen whispered. "Please." Nick let him go silently and walked out of the room slowly, not looking back. He was trying so hard to help Stephen, he thought, and Stephen… well, he'd been through a lot. Too much for any man, so that he really did hate himself. Nick found himself crying again; he'd been doing it a lot recently, but this time it was for Stephen completely, with no regard for himself.

Inside the room, Stephen let Cutter's words wash over him.

"_It's not you Stephen, you're a perfectly good person, there's nothing wrong about you at all…"_

The belief that he was wrong had faded, leaving the memory of what had been done to him shining clearly in his mind. So much of him wanted to call Cutter back, and he would do in a minute, but first… he had to understand.

"_They're disgusting people who deserve to be shot," the man said, emphasising each word with venom. Besides him, the little boy nodded seriously, but his older brother had flinched gently at each word._

"_What if they love each other Daddy?"_

"_That's not love," the father had growled. "Don't be so stupid, Stephen. Now come on, and I don't want to catch you talking to that man again, do you hear me?"_

"_But he's nice-"_

"_He's an abomination!"_

_The older boy frowned and then smiled, in an effort to please his father. "I won't talk to him, he's wrong." He muttered._

_The father smiled. "Good lad."_

Stephen lay on his bed and surveyed his body. The doctors had said that physically, he'd recovered reasonably well from his ordeal. Mentally… he was in much better shape then before. Maybe that was Nick's presence in the long nights, maybe the sane part of his brain and won out, maybe he had realised that his father hadn't been right after all.

He loved Nick Cutter and Nick Cutter still…

Stephen called Nick back, and the doctor came with him.

"Mr Hart are you alright?" the doctor asked nervously.

Stephen ignored the question. "Nick…" he asked, "do you love me?"

Nick looked at him, relieved. "Of course I love you."

Stephen allowed the final jigsaw piece to slot into place. _This _is_ love. And love isn't wrong._

He looked at the doctor and smiled rustily. "I'm alright now," he said quietly. "I'm going to be okay."

Underneath the covers, his hand held Nick's like it would never let go. Which in a way, they both knew, it wouldn't.

**... so, I don't know whether to continue or do a sequel or just leave it, what do you think? x**


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